Dealing with Death and Living Life

I am sitting by a warm fire trying to keep myself and soul warm from the -10 below and darkness outside, wondering why I am in such a fuge. Usually holidays are the best of times and I have tons of lights and fun with my friends and family. After alot of soul searching and finally being smart and talking to a fellow shaman, things are starting to see the light. Whom counsels the counseler? I could not understand why I kept thinking about the time when I had found my soulmate during Christmas and the long suprise trip from North Florida to him, years ago. I had driven eight hours on Christmas Eve, left my family to be with him on the first day he would be without Calven and Kenny. I had kept calling him and talking to him with out telling him were I was. The knock on the door and the look in his eyes I will always remember. I realize I have been without a soulmate too long. With the loss of Crusher, this is the end of a chapter in my life. She was a part of them and me. I have been sitting infront of the fire and holding the stocking that my advisor Kelly had hand made for Crusher a few Christmas' back and just started finally releasing the pain of her loss. I had a good friend earlier in the year who tried to and help me with the loss, but as being the stupid stoic person that I am I didn't accept the compassion and help. As usual life was too busy with going to my first professional international talk and didn't have time to release the pain and let someone in my life that would help me. I have been on my own and trying to accomplish everything by myself, to really no real avail. I am finally realizing that I need to let someone into my life and into their life. To truly live is to let them into your life and be part of theirs. I am tired of hiding behind the pain of loosing my family and Crusher and need to start living again. I try to bring wisdom and laughter to other peoples heart and souls, like any good white wood dragon, but as my fellow shaman said when am I going to help myself and let someone in. I need to feel the love of living again that was reflected in our souls that Christmas night.

The little flings and trists lately are not who and what I am, but to feel that beautiful touch of souls is what I want again. Now, I understand why I let the beutiful intoxicating one go this holiday and am looking for the beautiful soul that I left behind. Finally, the strength of who I am and what I want to be is striving in me again. To fly again and roar in the stary stars again, is a wonderful and refreshing feeling again. My friends, Audra and Marie told me that what I went through would have cripple anyone else and they knew if anyone I could get through it, I could. I have been there for them in their times of crisis and they were there for mine in August and helped me through a difficult and hard transistion in life. They told me they thought I was strong for what I am trying to accomplish and support me through what ever I decide. To me that is true friendship and I am one lucky lady to have them as friends. Thus, I need to stop preaching life and practice it and live what I hand painted on my trash can "Life Live It".