Conundrum

As I sit here by the fire burning brightly in the fire place and in my soul, with the book "The Chevalier De Boufflers by Nesta H. Webster. There is a quote at the beginning of the book I keep reading over and over again each time I pick up the book.

"For life, with all it yields of joy and woe;
And hope and fear, -believe the aged friend, -
Is just our chance o' the prize of learning love,
How love might be, hath been indeed, and is;
And that we hold thenceforth to the uttermost
Such prize despite the envy of the world,
And, having gained truth, keep truth: that is all." by Browning, A Death in the Desert.

That no matter what we achieve in this world, love is the ultimate reward. Materialistic things only bring fleeting flights of joy. I understand this when I had been with a soul mate already once in my life. The truth today is that I can not seem to get over my damn shyness of all things. My tongue can't move and I avoid them. like a bumbling boy. I contemplate how much pride and fear can get in the way of truth and love. While I was in Seattle for collaboration and interviews. my pride got in the way of being with someone, because they laughed at what I was doing. Dragon's do not like to be ridiculed and I thought I had gotten through it, but now I can not shake this damn shyness. I can stand toe to toe with a guy who just got back from Iraq and was drunk and stupid. There were no blows, but I stood my ground with him only inches from my face screaming and yelling. I diffused the situation, but I can't even say hi to someone I care about. Fear is such a foreign emotion and I am working through it. Is it fear from the situation or is it because of the pain of loosing a soul mate and family was so wrenching of an experience. I have gotten my life and career on track, but have I actually been living. All the traveling I was doing in 2007 was wonderful, but I missed the element of someone with me to enjoy and see it in their eyes and soul. Friends and family tell me that I will find love again and it usually happens when you give up looking for it. The last line in the Browning poem might also be referring to this. Well, I am at that point of giving up. The warmth of the fire and contemplation of love warming my soul and sweep away of the fear of my heart breaking again and loosen my shyness, is a hope I can cling to.