White Dragon & Hot Springs

I woke up to the sun rising at 10:00 am and -44 F and actual temp of -55 below including wind chill & dew point. The thought of getting out and take some photos of the ice fog and pink sunrise, went by-by when I saw the thermostat. If something happened to the car and I got stranded it would be slightly cold and I am not that blond, so I jumped back into my heated waterbed. Finally, around noon it warmed up to -30F, thus as we say up here "Road Trip" destination Chena Hot Springs. The ice fog was thick and you could still see the bullet ridden road signs, even the dog team crossing sign.

The only one with out bullets was the HIPAS observatory sign. The snow on the top right of the sign look like a bust of a women, go figure. When I reached Two Rivers, there was two dog teams mushing along side the road and I kept pace with them. Those dogs are phenomenal athletes and were really enjoying the run, just like I was doing.
The sun just was not bright enough and there was a slight overcast, so the next stop was the Chena River at Angel Rocks Campground. The river was open a little and the flowing water with the ice coverage had made a neat rhythmic pattern, like scales on a dragon tail. The rippling sound of the open water was melodic and strange to hear, since H20 has been frozen since October.

I couldn't wait to hear more and jumped back into the car, after many shots to get the right composition and angle, and made it to Chena Hot Springs. I was hoping I could take in my camera and get a few neat shots, but the steam off of the outdoor pool would have played havoc with the camera and the slight problem of water damage. Thus, I went around the outside and was buffeted by the steam, like some ethereal medieval scene.

The trees, bridges, anything exposed for long was covered in an off white hoary frost. You could feel the frost developing on you and I could only pull out the camera for a few seconds. The cold had changed from a dry to a damp cold and just seeped into you. The temperature starting even affecting me being able to take a shot and I ran back to the car, got my bathing suit, and ran inside the pool area. Finally, to get in the warm spring water was so soothing and relaxing. To be able to swim again in the indoor pool was exhilarating. I love to be underwater swimming in a warm dense liquid medium, like being in another world of sound and touch. You feel yourself enveloped and embraced.

After enjoying the indoor pool, I braved the trip from inside to the outside pool. The feeling of shock and then harshness hits you immediately and the distance to the pool seems infinite, because of the thick steam rising . You can't run, because of the ice, and you have to concentrate on placing each step. The destination is worth it, just like everything else in life. The feeling of warmth enveloping you again once you reach the pool is so soothing, that you forget everything else. The slow breast stroke through the pool with ripples washing ahead of you and the steam flowing over you makes you feel like you are in another reality and the trouble of the world float away. Floating on my back and immersing my ears, I almost feel like I am at home in my dragon lair soaking up the heat and melting my heart, allowing me to breath and relax.

What Would You Give for Your Soul

Yesterday, our lab received a cell culture workstation that was 585lbs per June Sun and it need to go from the hall way into a small room in the lab. Everyone was saying they needed to get a few guys in here to move it and I looked at it and figured all we needed was a strong cart. So, got everyone together and loaded the bulky thing onto the cart and wheeled it in to the lab. With a little ingenuity and leverage we got it into the lab, with out any extra help. You just have to look at a tough job and roll up your sleeves and just get her done. We had a little fun afterwards running down the hall with people on the cart, you have to have fun while you work. The feeling of being appreciated by your fellow colleges and being able to help, was wonderful. It has been difficult to go away from the actual lab and working with computers. People do not see me working and I feel like I have not been getting the respect for the massive amount of work I have been doing. The lift it gave my soul was wonderful, but not what I have been missing and yearning for and I still had another tough challenge that day of meeting with my professor on my INDS course.

I had just finished working with Bill Brody on my Independent Study Course and he wanted more revisions, what else would you expect from an excellent artist. Being exhausted and sick from a chest cold, I went back to my office for a breather and walked in on a classical piece from a composer called Palestrina "Assumpta est Maria in Caelum" Mass (Inner Peace). I didn't even turn on the lights and put my feet up on the desk and leaned back, closed my eyes, and let my soul be taken away. The feeling of contentment and inner peace was permeating my soul and I drifted on the wave of music for a long time. Contentment and inner peace has been a distant fellow for a long time now with all of the changes I have been through. I feel like I have finally have that inner peace of what I have become and how I have arrived to this point. The journey has been difficult and full of trajedy and pain, but I knew with help from friends, family, and all around strength of soul; I could survive and finally flourish into a new women.

With this rejuvenation and feeling of contentment finally, I had to get to the gym.
Even though I am sick as a dog, I had set up an appointment to be certified to climb on the rock wall, so I dragged my tired petunia to the gym. I'm sitting there as usual, with my blinders on when you are changing in the locker room, and I realized I had forgoten to bring my other sneakers, so I had to climb the rock wall with my basketball sneakers. Of course to make matters more funny and ironic an old roommate Tim Ciosek, who is an accomplished rock climber was there, and I had to say what do you think of my basketball shoes, he said "at least you will stick to the wall". The whole class laughed and I didn't feel bad, since I am finally content and just take what life gives me with a new spirit. Make the best out of a bad situation and now there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you keep working at it and don't give up.

Life's ironies just keep rolling when I went home I was restless even though sick and ate some red salmon and felt refreshed. The restlessness didn't go away and I went to the Marlin and then listened to an excellent melancoly song called "What would you give for your soul". The look and emotion on the blue grass players You could feel and from your own soul know what you would give up your soul for "Love". That beautiful and sweet tender love with another human being is worth your soul.
Not the freedom of chasing rainbows to their end and never being able to touch them, or the artistry of life, but the loving touch of another human being is worth your soul.

Meeting Deadlines

If there were no deadlines, nothing would get accomplished. I'm trying to finish an Independent Study Course of putting MRI anatomical data of an arctic ground squirrel's brain into a program called AMIRA. The programs main function is conversion of two dimensional data into a three dimensional form, that you can immerse into a holographic environment. The ability to discover new things and saying that's weird, instead of eureka, is really amazing and wonderful. To be able to be creative and working with computer programs within neuroscience is actually quite invigorating and rewarding. Reward usually only comes with perseverance and tenacity. You also can not panic and just try again when the whole program crashes, if you consistently back up the data, but the actual functional set that you need to get to with xy, xz, yz three dimensional coordinates almost sealed the deal tonight. I have been waiting an 1/2 hour just for the acquired data to reload and have everything possible crossed for good luck. I am writing this blog for senility, while I am waiting. There have been over 1000 files to route through to find the pertinent file data. Once the correct data has been loaded then you need to segment it into separate regions of the brain. The amount of work I have been doing has I think has caused my brain to become part squirrel. So yesterday, while the system was rendering data I went home and shoveled the driveway to just to keep sane. A couple was walking by with their dogs and

the guy said "you must be hard core being out here in a t-shirt", I said "I'm just hot and an Alaskan Women". They were laughing all the way down the street. Oh well, being honest sometimes is quite funny. Thank goodness, my family especially Dad told me a good way to get rid of stress, is to work out with anything, chores or something physical, get you through it with a smile and senility. Also, even though you are busy take time to laugh and enjoy life's moments.

Gaining Concord

I'm sitting here at lunch in the IARC building watching a raven frolicking and giving itself a snow bath, and a gorgeous view emerges across the Tananna flats. The Alaska mountain range emerges from the storm that barely made it across. Almost like my life right now, conquering my fear of rejection and change. Yesterday I was able to play and have fun with a good friend, who has accepted me for who I am. She didn't care if she was seen walking with me. It allowed me to feel more comfortable with myself. I am finding out who are true friends. Later that night, I went to the Marlin and had an excellent time. Someone I had called and didn't return my call was there. They tried to converse with me and I was polite, but distant. Is this dragon pride? I do not think so, I want someone who has compassion and courage, if they do not return my call they don't fit the criteria or am I being to petty. I am not a shallow person and am trying to figure this out instead of going with the flow. Even though, I really enjoyed all of the looks, flirtations, and brushing against each other was an erotic rush. It was wonderful, but not really what I'm looking for. Companionship and love is what truly matters.

Dealing with Death and Living Life

I am sitting by a warm fire trying to keep myself and soul warm from the -10 below and darkness outside, wondering why I am in such a fuge. Usually holidays are the best of times and I have tons of lights and fun with my friends and family. After alot of soul searching and finally being smart and talking to a fellow shaman, things are starting to see the light. Whom counsels the counseler? I could not understand why I kept thinking about the time when I had found my soulmate during Christmas and the long suprise trip from North Florida to him, years ago. I had driven eight hours on Christmas Eve, left my family to be with him on the first day he would be without Calven and Kenny. I had kept calling him and talking to him with out telling him were I was. The knock on the door and the look in his eyes I will always remember. I realize I have been without a soulmate too long. With the loss of Crusher, this is the end of a chapter in my life. She was a part of them and me. I have been sitting infront of the fire and holding the stocking that my advisor Kelly had hand made for Crusher a few Christmas' back and just started finally releasing the pain of her loss. I had a good friend earlier in the year who tried to and help me with the loss, but as being the stupid stoic person that I am I didn't accept the compassion and help. As usual life was too busy with going to my first professional international talk and didn't have time to release the pain and let someone in my life that would help me. I have been on my own and trying to accomplish everything by myself, to really no real avail. I am finally realizing that I need to let someone into my life and into their life. To truly live is to let them into your life and be part of theirs. I am tired of hiding behind the pain of loosing my family and Crusher and need to start living again. I try to bring wisdom and laughter to other peoples heart and souls, like any good white wood dragon, but as my fellow shaman said when am I going to help myself and let someone in. I need to feel the love of living again that was reflected in our souls that Christmas night.

The little flings and trists lately are not who and what I am, but to feel that beautiful touch of souls is what I want again. Now, I understand why I let the beutiful intoxicating one go this holiday and am looking for the beautiful soul that I left behind. Finally, the strength of who I am and what I want to be is striving in me again. To fly again and roar in the stary stars again, is a wonderful and refreshing feeling again. My friends, Audra and Marie told me that what I went through would have cripple anyone else and they knew if anyone I could get through it, I could. I have been there for them in their times of crisis and they were there for mine in August and helped me through a difficult and hard transistion in life. They told me they thought I was strong for what I am trying to accomplish and support me through what ever I decide. To me that is true friendship and I am one lucky lady to have them as friends. Thus, I need to stop preaching life and practice it and live what I hand painted on my trash can "Life Live It".

Conundrum

As I sit here by the fire burning brightly in the fire place and in my soul, with the book "The Chevalier De Boufflers by Nesta H. Webster. There is a quote at the beginning of the book I keep reading over and over again each time I pick up the book.

"For life, with all it yields of joy and woe;
And hope and fear, -believe the aged friend, -
Is just our chance o' the prize of learning love,
How love might be, hath been indeed, and is;
And that we hold thenceforth to the uttermost
Such prize despite the envy of the world,
And, having gained truth, keep truth: that is all." by Browning, A Death in the Desert.

That no matter what we achieve in this world, love is the ultimate reward. Materialistic things only bring fleeting flights of joy. I understand this when I had been with a soul mate already once in my life. The truth today is that I can not seem to get over my damn shyness of all things. My tongue can't move and I avoid them. like a bumbling boy. I contemplate how much pride and fear can get in the way of truth and love. While I was in Seattle for collaboration and interviews. my pride got in the way of being with someone, because they laughed at what I was doing. Dragon's do not like to be ridiculed and I thought I had gotten through it, but now I can not shake this damn shyness. I can stand toe to toe with a guy who just got back from Iraq and was drunk and stupid. There were no blows, but I stood my ground with him only inches from my face screaming and yelling. I diffused the situation, but I can't even say hi to someone I care about. Fear is such a foreign emotion and I am working through it. Is it fear from the situation or is it because of the pain of loosing a soul mate and family was so wrenching of an experience. I have gotten my life and career on track, but have I actually been living. All the traveling I was doing in 2007 was wonderful, but I missed the element of someone with me to enjoy and see it in their eyes and soul. Friends and family tell me that I will find love again and it usually happens when you give up looking for it. The last line in the Browning poem might also be referring to this. Well, I am at that point of giving up. The warmth of the fire and contemplation of love warming my soul and sweep away of the fear of my heart breaking again and loosen my shyness, is a hope I can cling to.